[Scene: Paige's car. Paige is driving along the road, talking on her phone to Phoebe.]

Paige: Okay, so I've stopped at five herb shops but I finally found some eye of newt. So if it's good enough for Shakespeare's witches, I figured it'd help us put a serious dent in Cole.

Phoebe: Look, we've tried everything to vanquish him but nothing works, okay. So I just say we watch our backs and get on with our lives. Speaking of which, do you think eye of newt would work on the woman that's trying to sue me?

Paige: Is she demonic?

Phoebe: Well, she's demonically stupid. Paige, I am seriously worried that I'm going to lose my job over this.

Paige: For giving bad advice in your column?

Phoebe: No, the advice wasn't bad, I never told her she should leave the guy at the altar.

Paige: Either way, what happened to freedom of the press?

Phoebe: Well, apparently some dirt bag lawyer is finding a way around it. (Paige passes a demon wearing a suit, standing on the side of the road. He waves his hand and something blows on her car. Her car spins out of control and Paige screams.) Paige? (Paige's car crashes into another car and she is knocked unconscious.) Paige, are you okay? Paige, do you hear me? Are you okay? Paige.

[Scene: A demonic strip bar. Women in bikinis are dancing on the stage, while demonic men watch them close by. Cole is amongst the demons, watching a dancer straight in front of him. The demon from the street shimmers into the middle of the room, who a waitress bumps into. He looks around and approaches Cole.]

Demon: Cole.

Cole: How'd it go?

Demon: It was beautiful.

Cole: Was the other driver hurt?

Demon: Oh, yeah.

Cole: Good.

Demon: Now all you gotta do is a little mind control on the witnesses and maybe a cop, and we're golden.

Cole: Let's get outta here.

(Cole starts to get up but a dancer walks over and pushes him back down.)

Dancer: No time for one little dance?

Cole: Kaia, I was waiting for you earlier.

Kaia: I'll make it up to you.

Demon: Boss.

(Cole gives him a look and he walks away.)

Cole: You know what I want.

(Kaia shapeshifts into Phoebe and gives him a lap dance.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Hospital. Room. Piper, Phoebe and Paige are there. Paige is in the hospital bed, Phoebe sits on the end of the bed, and Piper sits beside in a chair.]

Piper: Are you sure you don't want to call Leo?

Paige: No, no, it's just a mild concussion and besides, I don't deserve to be healed. I know better than to talk on the phone and drive, I don't know what I was thinking.

Piper: Do you remember what happened?

Paige: I was speaking to Phoebe and then the next thing I know the car just started spinning out of control.

Phoebe: Hm, it's kinda like my career.

Paige: Oh, honey, it's not that bad is it?

Phoebe: I think it is. The newspaper's lawyers wanna meet with me and I don't think it's because they're huge Phoebe fans.

Piper: Well, I'll see you your career and raise you my club. The health inspector's coming back today and the plumbing just exploded, again.

Paige: What is going on with us? Is Mercury in retrograde?

Phoebe: Have you thought about using a magical band-aid?

Piper: I'd do it in a heartbeat if I wasn't afraid of the personal gain consequences.

Phoebe: See, this is why demons always have the upper hand, you know. They can use their magic whenever they want to.

Paige: Yeah, well, you know, that's what separates good from evil.

Phoebe: Yeah, I know that but it's still very tempting. I mean, you could fix your plumbing, I could turn some lawyers into toads.

Piper: Aunt Phoebe, little wiccans have very big ears that can hear you.

Phoebe: Oh, I'm sorry, baby, I was only kidding! Mostly. (to Paige) Are you going to be okay because I have to go get fired now.

Paige: You are not getting fired and I'm fine.

Phoebe: From your mouth and god's ears. (She kisses Paige on the head and turns to Piper's stomach.) Okay, bye, my little niece.

(She kisses Piper's stomach.)

Piper: You're smashing me.

Phoebe: I love you.

Piper: Get off me!

(Phoebe leaves.)

Paige: This is no segue but you and I need to talk about vanquishing Cole.

Piper: 'Cause we don't have enough problems at the moment?

Paige: No, because he's actually our biggest problem at the moment. Okay, look at Phoebe, it's totally beaten her down.

Piper: I don't know, she seemed kind of cheerful considering the state of her career.

Paige: That's this wonderful thing called denial. Okay, the Phoebe I know would never roll over for lawyers like that. This morning when I was talking to her about vanquishing Cole, she told me I was wasting my time. I'm telling you she is off.

Piper: Alright, okay, already. Well, we'll spend the afternoon with our noses in potions. But can I go save the soul source of our income first?

Paige: Yeah, go, I'll see you later.

Piper: Are you okay to orb?

Paige: I'm perfectly fine to orb. Go.

Piper: Alright.

(Piper leaves the room. Paige gets up to get dressed and two police officers knock at the door.)

Cop #1: Paige Matthews?

Paige: Yeah?

Cop #1: You're under arrest.

[Scene: Cole's office. Cole's there. The demon stands at the doorway.]

Demon: Felony hit and run. She's going down.

(He walks over to Cole.)

Cole: And P3?

Demon: Health inspector's there, our guys are in place. I've gotta say, using the law to bring down the Charmed Ones was genius, sir. They'll never figure it out.

Cole: Oh, they will figure it out, it'll just be too late. (He shows him some blueprints of the manor.) The Halliwell manor. The doorway to the spiritual nexus. All the power that we need.

Demon: Oh, man. Right under the witches' house. Who knew?

Cole: I did.

Demon: Is that why they're so damn strong?

Cole: Ah, partly. The Nexus packs a punch. The power can go either way, in good hands, good gets a power boost. But when we tap into it, evil spreads.

Demon: How far?

Cole: Far enough. The police, the politicians, and Phoebe. She will be consumed by evil and she will finally give into our love and then I will torture and kill her sisters and we'll live happily ever after.

Demon: Sir, I thought the point of all this was to give you the power to reorganise the Underworld above ground.

Cole: Yes, it is, it is. But to be united, evil must have a happy leader and for me to be happy, I need... (Phoebe walks in carrying a picnic basket.) Phoebe, what are you doing here?

Phoebe: I came to see you, baby. I thought we could have a little picnic.

(She walks over to him and gives him a big kiss on the lips.)

Cole: Kaia, what the hell do you think you're doing?

(Phoebe shapeshifts into Kaia.)

Kaia: Damn, how'd you know it was me?

(She curls her hair around her finger.)

Cole: Well, for starters Phoebe hates me and she doesn't drink and she uses a little less tongue.

Demon: Since when does a stripper follow a guy back from work?

Cole: Hey, hey, hey, Dex, go easy, she's got a little crush.

Dex: With all do respect, sir, Kieran demons are manipulative vixens and this one has an agenda that goes way beyond a little crush.

Cole: Sure, she can smell power, can't you Kaia? Maybe she wants to be my new queen.

Kaia: Just send this one away and I'll prove my worth.

(She strokes his chest.)

Cole: I'm afraid I can't, I'm in love with someone else.

Kaia: But I can give her to you, I can be her.

Cole: No. You're good for the occasional dance but beyond that I need the real thing.

Dex: Alright, you heard him, get out and stay gone. Otherwise, I'll make sure you do.

(Kaia storms towards the door.)

Cole: Not like that. Go out the way you came in. In this office we keep up appearances.

(Kaia shapeshifts into Phoebe.)

Phoebe: You want me, I can feel it.

(She leaves.)

Dex: Insolent.

Cole: Hot though.

Commercial Break

[Scene: P3. Piper, Leo and the Health Inspector are there. The Inspector has stamped a file saying 'condemned'.]

Piper: Oh, no, no, no, don't do that. Come on, you've gotta give me another chance.

Health Inspector: And why is that?

Piper: Because, because, because...

Leo: Because we've been in business nearly four years and we haven't failed an inspection yet.

Health Inspector: Well, I'd have to disagree with that, Mr. Wyatt. You've failed two this week.

Piper: Yeah, but this week has been bad, like strangely bad and we'll have the plumbing fixed tomorrow so can't you just come back then?

Health Inspector: Well, your record has been impeccable until now. (A rat squeaks and crawls past his feet.) Whoa, hello. (Piper gasps.) Rats too.

Piper: No! No, we don't have rats. They don't live here. They're just, they're just trying to ruin my life.

Health Inspection: Rodent infestation takes longer than a day to clear up. Close down, address the problem, and we'll schedule another inspection in a few weeks.

Piper: I won't need another inspection in a few weeks because if I stay closed that long, I'll be out of business.

Health Inspector: Sorry, there's nothing I can do.

Leo: Alright, well, I'll show you out.

(Leo and the Inspector head for the door. Piper grabs a broom.)

Piper: Where are you? (She chases the rats with the broom.) I hate you, I hate you. Go home! Get out of here you plague spreading, club ruining rodent. I will get you!

(She tries to blow up the rat but misses and gets a chair. Leo walks back in.)

Leo: Piper, what are you doing?

Piper: Diminishing the rodent population obviously.

Leo: Come on, honey, we're gonna get through this.

(Piper goes over and sits on the stairs.)

Piper: Yeah, we will but the club won't. How can this be happening? I mean, I know I've neglected the club since I've been pregnant but not this much.

Leo: These things happen, it's just bad luck.

Piper: No, it is more than bad luck, it is sabotage, it is... it's demonic.

Leo: What?

Piper: Well, yeah. Phoebe's lawsuit, Paige's accident... Well, that's it, it's all part of it, it has to be.

Leo: Why?

Piper: Because I said so and if not, we're losing the club which is just not an option.

(Piper and Leo leave the club. The rats turn into two demons.)

Rat Demon #1: Damn. She missed me by this much.

(They blink out.)

[Scene: Police Station. Paige, Darryl and a cop are there.]

Cop: This way, Ms. Matthews. (The cop stands Paige next to a wall with the lines to measure her height. He walks over to the camera.) No film.

Darryl: Try the filing cabinet. She's not going anywhere.

(He walks away.)

Paige: Why, why am I not going anywhere? You've always helped us before.

Darryl: With your other problems. This is not others.

Paige: I am not so sure.

Darryl: Paige.

Paige: I didn't do what they're saying I did. And if anybody is trying to set me up it would be a de... others.

Darryl: Officer Garcia is not others, nor is he in league with any others, he's a good cop and he saved my ass on many occasions.

Paige: Oh my god, I think I see what is going on here. Phoebe's lawsuit, Piper's club... You have to get me out of here otherwise it's just going to get worse.

Darryl: Listen, I am a Lieutenant now, I can't just bend the rules like I used to. (The cop comes back with film. Darryl hands Paige a board with her name on it.) Even if I could, this is legal problems. I-I can't just make those go away.

(Paige holds up the board and the cop takes the photo.)

[Scene: The Bay Mirror. Elise's office. Phoebe and Elise are there.]

Elise: We can't just make it go away. She have a strong case for malice.

Phoebe: I don't understand. How does she have a strong case?

Elise: She is claiming that a result of your own bitter divorce, you've made it your mission to destroy other marriages.

Phoebe: That is ridiculous.

Elise: (reading from newspaper) "If you have any doubts, any doubts at all, I suggest you flee at the speed of a baby cheetah at suppertime."

Phoebe: I was using hyperbole.

Elise: I know that. But she's collected dozens of similar clips and she's threatening to go to the press with her story. And as a newswoman I can tell you, it's a good story.

Phoebe: Okay, well, isn't controversy good for sales?

Elise: It may be good for the enquirer but I've worked very hard to build this paper into a respectable news source.

Phoebe: Can't we just pay her off? We have to have insurance for this type of thing, right?

Elise: She doesn't want money. She wants you fired. It's like she's on some kind of vendetta. I'm sorry, Phoebe, I have to suspend you without pay while our lawyers try to work this out.

(Phoebe gets up.)

Phoebe: Cole.

Elise: Excuse me?

(Phoebe leaves.)

[Scene: Manor. Foyer. Piper opens the front door to let Darryl in.]

Piper: Darryl, have you heard from Paige? Because she was supposed to come straight home from the hospital but...

Darryl: Paige is in jail. We tried to call you but...

Piper: What? For, what for?

Darryl: Reckless endangerment and felony hit and run.

Piper: What?

(Suddenly, Paige orbs in.)

Paige: Oops.

Darryl: You have got to be kidding me.

Piper: Paige, Darryl said you were in jail.

Paige: Oh, I am. I mean, I was, I will be. Just as soon as I figure out what demon is doing this to me.

Darryl: You just disappeared from jail?

Paige: No! I put pillows in the bed first. It always worked at my parents house.

Darryl: Paige!

Paige: What? You weren't gonna help me so I had to help myself. Whether you believe it or not, there is a demon behind this.

Darryl: At two o'clock, they're gonna come get you for your bail hearing. If you're not there, that's my ass. Everybody knows we're friends. They're gonna just think I let you go.

Paige: I will be there at two o'clock.

(Darryl leaves.)

Piper: See ya.

Paige: Okay, he hates me.

Piper: Yeah, he does. But for what it's worth I'm with you. Leo's doing the Elder thing.

Paige: Oh, let me guess, you didn't pass the inspection?

Piper: Nope.

Paige: Let's just cut to the chase, shall we? Our problems are legal, right? Who's the only demonic lawyer we know?

Piper: Cole. And he has gone off the deep end lately. But how is ruining our lives gonna help him get Phoebe back?

Paige: I don't know. But until we figure it out we should keep her out of it.

[Scene: Cole's office. Cole is there sitting at his desk. Phoebe barges in, angrily.]

Phoebe: You slimy son of a bitch.

Cole: Phoebe, is that you?

Phoebe: What are you? Evil and blind? Yeah, it's me. (Cole slowly covers over the manor's blueprints with some files.) Look, why don't you just admit that you're behind this. Admit it so I can use magic to fight you.

Cole: I don't know, uh, I don't know what you're talking about.

(She slams the door shut and walks over to his desk.)

Phoebe: Look, Cole, my career is the most important thing to me. Okay, so is that your plan to take it away from me so that I come running to you for comfort?

Cole: Phoebe, I love you and I don't know what's going on but maybe I can help. Would you like me to kill someone for you? Or-or your boss, perhaps? (Phoebe gets so mad she throws all his files on his desk up in the air.) Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Phoebe: I might not be able to use magic but...

Cole: You're sexy when you're mad, you know. I can't wait until I get to kiss you again.

Phoebe: Cole, I will never be with you again. I hate you, I hate you. Do you get that?

Cole: Hate is good. It's passionate, intense, it's-it's-it's a breath away from love. (Phoebe laughs and throws a few more papers in the air before she spins around and leaves.) Ah, she's great.

[Cut to the hallway. Phoebe storms passed Kaia, who's sitting in a chair, covering her face with a magazine.]

[Cut to Cole's office. Kaia walks in.]

Cole: What do you want?

Kaia: Just to give you want you want.

(Kaia morphs into Phoebe.)

[Cut to the elevator. Phoebe is impatiently waiting for the doors to open. She gives up and uses the stairs. The elevator doors open and Piper and Paige walk out. They head for Cole's office.]

Piper: So what are we gonna do?

Paige: We're gonna tell him we're on to him and it's not gonna work.

(They walk into Cole's office and see Cole and Phoebe making out on his desk. They watch in shock.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Outside Cole's office. Hallway. Piper and Paige are there, looking grossed out.]

Paige: I can't believe I saw what I just saw.

Piper: Well, believe it 'cause I saw it too.

Paige: How, why is she kissing him?

Piper: I don't know but I say we go back in there and we pull her out by her hair.

Paige: No, no, we can't make a scene. Okay, we need a plan.

Piper: Okay, here it is. We go home, we vomit...

Paige: And?

Piper: That's all I got so far.

Paige: Okay.

[Cut to inside Cole's office. Cole and Kaia/Phoebe stop kissing.]

Kaia/Phoebe: Oh, come on, baby, it was just getting good.

Cole: Not good enough. You'll never be as good as the real Phoebe and you should stop trying.

Kaia/Phoebe: You're right. I'll never be as good, I'll be better. I know tricks the real Phoebe's never even heard of before.

Cole: I've been patient with you up until now. This is the last time I'm gonna say this. Leave and don't come back.

(Phoebe morphs into Kaia.)

Kaia: You don't know what you're missing.

(She leaves.)

[Cut to the lobby. Dex is waiting by the elevators. Phoebe walks past him and he grabs her.]

Dex: Hey! What did I tell you? Cole has some serious work to do and I will not have you distracting him.

Phoebe: Cole... What the hell? Who are you?

Dex: Get it through your thick head. The leader of the Underworld will never have a whore as his queen.

P